Mom of 3 refuses to replace chaotic 21-year-old nanny after she throws the dog a birthday party 3 months early, husband pushes for more structure: ‘I think she is a great fit for our family and the kids absolutely love the chaos’

Author image for Celeste Mello
Celeste Mello • Writer and Editor
Jul 14, 2026 2:30 PM EDT

When finding reliable childcare, the caregiver's personality and emotional connection with your kids matters almost as much as their punctuality and organization. Childcare isn't only about hiring someone responsible. It is about inviting another adult into the dynamics of your family, and the problems arise when the parents disagree about which qualities matter most. 

In today's story, a couple has employed a 21-year-old nanny for almost two years to take care for their three children. The nanny is described by the mom as chaotic but affectionate, creative, and deeply loved by the kids. Sometimes, a caregiver who looks imperfect on paper can still understand the kids better than someone with a perfectly organized schedule. In just a couple of weeks, this nanny organized a lot of creative activities with the children, from throwing a birthday party for their dog, to conducting a supervised driveway sale with the children's toys and snacks, to offering spontaneous fast-food stops. The kids had a great time, we can't deny it. Those stories sound pretty memorable. 

But the father is not that happy with this nanny. He is uncomfortable with the general unpredictability of the nanny's activities and insists that they need more structure. He doesn't agree with the spontaneous fast-food stops and he felt uncomfortable about her forgetting the kids' swim class. But the mother refuses to replace the nanny because the children are happy, and their school responsibilities get completed. So who is right here?

It's not a question of right or wrongs but a negotiation between the parents to define what they think an ideal nanny should be like. They both want the best for the kids, but they should establish their nonnegotiable rules, and give the nanny an opportunity to follow them. Childcare is usually a two "yes" decision, so both parents need to trust the person responsible for their children.  And although this nanny's adventures were harmless and sweet adventures, other activities can raise reasonable questions about healthy habits, supervision and clear communication. 

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  • A family's young nanny playing with happy kids.
    via Unsplash+ (Getty Images)

    A family's young nanny playing with happy kids. 

    People shown are actors.

  • AITA for refusing to get a less chaotic nanny

    My husband and I have 3 kids (11m, 6m, and 4f). We have had a nanny, Mila (21), for almost 2 years.
    via LividMeasurement5252
  • Mila is a ball of chaos. That is the only way I know how to describe her. The girl just screams "undiagnosed ADHD" (one of my kids and I have ADHD so speaking from experience here). Some
    via LividMeasurement5252
  • highlights include the last time she called in sick, which was a voicemail 20 minutes before school got out saying "I don't know exactly what I did to my shoulder but it hurts like a b and my arm tingling. The advice people say this is an urgent
    via LividMeasurement5252
  • care issue so I think I'm gonna be a little late". Then there's the time she drove my kids to a Walmart 30 minutes away to get supplies for my oldest's school project because none of the nearby Walmarts have all of the supplies. There
    via LividMeasurement5252
  • was a Michaels 3 blocks away that has everything. She just forgot that it was there. She also tends to pick my kids up saying "I forgot to eat lunch so who wants fries/a shake/chips/other fast food side" around once a week. We came
    via LividMeasurement5252
  • home to my entire living room covered in balloons because they decided the dog needed a birthday party. His birthday isn't for 3 months. I
    via LividMeasurement5252
  • ΑΛΑΔ
    via Unsplash+ (Cphotos)
  • came home to Mila sitting on a lawn chair in my driveway while my kids flagged down drivers to buy bracelets, sodas, cookies, and random toys from their rooms. All of these things have happened in the past 6 weeks.
    via LividMeasurement5252
  • You definitely have to be a little flexible to work with her but all of the kids come back alive, they always have everything they need for school done, and she plans some really fun activities for them.
    via LividMeasurement5252
  • My husband is not as fond of Mila's chaos as I am. He thinks we need a nanny that has more structure, rules, routines, etc. and someone that isn't going to take our kids out to fast food
    via LividMeasurement5252
  • Children drawing outdoors with a dog nearby, illustrating the playful and unconventional childcare style of a family’s chaotic young nanny.
    via Unsplash+ (Evegeniy Beloshytskiy)

    Children drawing outdoors with a dog nearby, representing the playful and unconventional childcare style of a family's chaotic young nanny.
    Subjects are models.

  • places every week or forget to take the kids to swim class (only happened once after the swim school changed the classes from Fridays to Wednesdays).
    via LividMeasurement5252
  • I refuse to get rid of Mila. I think she is a great fit for our family and the kids absolutely love the chaos.
    via LividMeasurement5252
  • My husband is upset that I'm not giving him a say in who is caring for our children, although he's been fine with her for the past two years and absolutely nothing has changed with her.
    via LividMeasurement5252
  • Paint, brushes, and art supplies on a table after a children’s workshop, capturing the creative chaos surrounding the family’s nanny.
    via Unsplash+ (Sydney Rae)

    Paint, brushes, and art supplies on a table after a children's workshop, capturing the creative chaos surrounding the family's nanny.

  • He's been complaining about minor things lately (like the car being a little messy, about as messy as my car) and has been bringing up profiles for other babysitters, mostly older women or young men.
    via LividMeasurement5252
  • stellabluebear Is there a middle ground since your kids already have a strong bond with Mila? Can you talk to her and tell her you appreciate her, but want to build in more structure and please no fast food etc? Seems worth a conversation and trying to compromise before making the switch.
    via stellabluebear
  • stevenr21 She sounds awesome. I'd ask the husband to give a list of things that he wants to change and let her know. You don't just fire someone without telling them what you think they're doing wrong, you give them a chance to correct it.
    via stevenr21
  • Budget Wishbone2155 "We came home to my entire living room covered in balloons because they decided the dog needed a birthday party. His birthday isn't for 3 months" She sounds great tbh love her.
    via Budget_Wishbone2155
  • KaraAuden YTA. Your husband should absolutely get a say in who watches his kids. How would you feel if he hired a new nanny that you didn't like and then pulled a unilateral "veto" when you tried to explain that?
    via KaraAuden
  • Also, my guess is that his concerns are less "the dog didn't need a birthday party" and more "she was late picking the kids up from school, forgot about swim lessons, let them run into the road to talk to strangers, and it's stressful always worrying about whether the next shenanigan will be a cute story or an unsafe or disruptive hassle."
    via KaraAuden
  • DefinitelyNotAliens YTA for not having a good conversation on this. You, at the very least, need to sit down with your husband and make a list of things that are yes behaviors and no behaviors and then have a sit down with your nanny.
    via DefinitelyNotAliens

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childcare co-parenting aita parenting disagreement household routines nanny parenting family setting boundaries
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